I haven't seen my office since December 7... I know because that's the date on my shoe-of-the-day calendar... One, my office is COLD -- since our heat pump died and we're living on kerosene and space heat... of course typically in Georgia, that's not a huge deal, we get about 8 weeks of cold followed by spring with a rapid progression to summer... this usually starts in February! Secondly, I have not FELT like doing anything... I am in a serious funk (which will be explained shortly), I hurt, and I am downright miserable at the moment.
My pain level remains at a steady 5... increasing to a 7 when I am overly active or have not slept well. I guess those aren't BAD numbers, considering I've not had any medication in 5 months. Currenly I am surviving on an old prescription of Amytriptyline for sleep and some pain help... it's not doing MUCH but it is allowing me to sleep, albeit fitfully, all night.. most nights.

The funk is due to an issue with my youngest step-son, who has a Severe Emotional Disorder or SED. In his case, it is due to severe, chronic abuse at the hand of his natural mother. We cut her out of the picture and rescued the boys 6 years ago. During that time we've seen only minimal improvement with the youngest. He has been hospitalized for stabilization twice since coming to live with us, seen multiple doctors, psychologists, therapists, and pschiatrists... the general consensus us -- nobody really KNOWS excatly what is wrong with him.
He shows the signs and symptoms of multiple disorders including PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder or 'shell-shock'), OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), and Bi-polar disorder... with psychotic tendencies. All of this makes for one very troubled young man. At 14 he cannot be trusted in the kitchen, bathroom, or outside alone. He has to be supervised nearly 24 hours per day. He is a charming, loving, and gregariaous child with a smile and personality that would melt your heart... yet he functions on the abilities of a typical 5-7 year old child...
He's really smart, and has made it into the 6th grade... academically. Emotionally, not so much. There are no base social skills for him to lean on, therefore he has no clue how to interact with others. This has caused multitudes of issues over the years, culminating in the schools inabilty to provide services any longer due to the severity of his emotional distress.
Now, we're not illiterate when it comes to the world of Children's Mental Health... we've been working in the field professionally now for almost 3 years. Because of this, we made the decision to start looking for options. While most of them were only "band-aids" for a much more serious issue, we did find one that might work -- but it was not something we thought we would ever do. After many agonizing months of discussions with teachers, doctors, therapists, etc... we made the choice to place him in PRTF - permanent residential treatment facility.
This has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make as a parent, and one that I know would be even more gut-wrenching if he was truly MY child. I cannot begin to imagine the torture that his father is dealing with -- we've talked and its something that he can't even describe emotionally.
Yesterday, our son was admitted to a treatment facilty near Atlanta. He will be evaluated after 7 days, a treatment plan will be determined, and then he will begin the journey to emotional health. During his stay he will be evaluated every 30 days, and his progress monitored closely by all involved. We are confident that this was the best course for him.. but we miss him terribly, and feel a little guilty that we have been put in a postion to have to do this. Knowing something is best for your child doesn't always make doing that thing easier just because it's good for them. This situtaion FEELS like we're giving up, which we're not... but if you're a parent, you know what I mean. This has had me tied up in knots emotionally for weeks... and now it's a big sigh of what I can only assume is relief, that he's finally, finally getting the care he needs and deserves. So we move forward... and on with our lives, as we hope and pray that he does well, and responds to treatment so he can come HOME where he belongs...

On a lighter note, in between all the other stuff I've started working on a food blog... why? Well, because I LOVE food, writing and taking photos... those three combined scream for a blog to showcase them. So, for one small shameless plug for myself - I invite you to visit Hoplessly In Love with Food at Blogspot. I can't promise that there will be something there you like, or will even eat -- but I know that in this world you can't please everyone, and you stand a better chance at happiness if you do things that please yourself! So stop on by, sample a recipie or two and watch for updates in the coming days and weeks. I will be building on the content weekly with at least one new dish a week.

So for now, before my arms fall off from all the typing I bid you adieu -- thanks for reading, and remember us and our son please!

So... I don't talk too much about  my family - I mean MY family, the people who were there for me when I was growing up, aunt's, uncles, cousins, etc... mostly because I've not seen any of them in 20 or so years. My father passed away near my 12th birthday. He had a huge family... a sister, 3 brothers, 2 sets of grandparents, his parents... his aunt's and uncles... LOT of family. On my mom's side we had a big family, but not one that stayed really close all the time. It was mom, dad, me, and my mother's parents; and of course my mom's sister, Aunt Genie.
After my father died, things kind of changed with my grandparents and his family - at the time, being young, I just thought it was me... I didn't know what else it could have been. Time went on and I stayed very close to my dads sister and brothers, and holiday's and birthday's close to my grandmother. The years passed and I moved away from home, and lost contact with the entire family.  After many years, I just figured it had been so long, they probably didn't want, or care to hear from me any way - I've made some pretty bad choices in my life, that's for sure - so there was plenty for them to want to keep their distance for.
My mother's sister called me one day and asked me if I'd do her family history... she and my mother had different fathers - her dad passed away when she was very young. So I agreed, and started working on things for her. Well, Ancestry.com is a wonderful thing indeed - and it sucks you in... Once I got her stuff done, I started on my own - and I found my dad's father - of whom I knew very little, since he and my grandmother were totally estranged. I found his obituary, and then his wife's - and I discovered they had kids... interesting - aunts and uncles??? hmmmm... So on Facebook I belong to a group called "Lendrums" everyone with that last name on FB belongs - I noticed a woman, with the same last name, from the town my grandfather lived/died in. On a hunch - I contacted her - and come to find out, she really is my aunt. She had no clue that I even existed, however she had learned of my dad and his death before her father died. She has since found photos of me as a small child that had been sent to him as I grew up. She and I now communicate regularly, and plan to get together in person in the near future.
I also decided to bite the bullet and contact my father's family - whom I managed to also find on Facebook - my Aunt Lynn, and Uncle Chip, and his girls, Danielle and Michelle, as well as my Aunt Kris. I also spoke to my grandmother on the phone several times in the last few weeks, and it's been good conversations - and I really miss her. My aunt and I talked on the phone the other day, and we're going to try to figure out a way for me to get down there and see everyone, and meet the ones who've come along since I left home - if nothing else I may take Jonathan, Jacalyn, and the baby and go down for a mini-reunion! 

So many times I've thought about all of them, and so many times I wanted to call, or write - but felt like I wasn't really needed or wanted in the family - there were so many other grandchildren, nieces, and nephews. As I have come to discover as I've aged - family never turns you away, stops loving you, or wants you to disappear. They may keep their distance in disagreement to the choices you've made in your life - but you know, sometimes tough love is the thing that wakes us up, and makes us realize that life is too short for petty feelings and imagined hurts. Life is about the living, loving - life is a journey, not a destination!

Wow, I guess it has been that long. The last few months have been spent in between periods of heaven and hell, and I can't really make much sense out of them all! I'll try to do this update in some sort of order - but plan to post some more detailed stuff later, and hopefully get some opinions on things I'm working on currently.

So my trip to see my daughter was WONDERFUL! She was every bit as beautiful as i remembered, and more! It was a long trip, but I did really well with my medications and plenty of rest between drives.

In June (almost 5 years from the day I started there), I was let go from my job. I cannot say I was completely devastated, because for one I knew it was coming, and for two - I was over that place anyway. They took advantage of my skills, and basically screwed me over immensely. My insurance was terminated as of the exact moment I lost my job, so I was unable to pick up the refills on all my prescriptions. So here I was.... jobless, no insurance, and an uncontrolled chronic pain disorder... makes for some interesting stories I'll tell ya! On a side note - you know how they give that warning on the Cymbalta commercials "Do not reduce or stop this medication, without consulting your physician"? Yeah... they know exactly what they are talking about... the first month without it was a miserable thing. I spent more time in bed crying than I did anything else... Bless Shawn and the kids - they were such troupers... and helped to pull me out of the mire of what I KNEW was a temporary desire to destroy myself. Logically, I knew that the effects would only last so long, but during that time, I was suicidal, homicidal, manic, depressed, and a ton of other things that I can't even get into....  thankfully we made it through, and I'm feeling MUCH better emotionally now.

In July, my youngest called, and they decided that the baby was coming early - 2 weeks early!!!! She had my grandson on July 22nd.


I was unable to be there when Joshua Lee came in to the world, I was on my way to Anaheim CA for a Children's Mental Health conference. So... I missed his birthday, but spent a GLORIOUS week at the Anaheim convention center Hilton less than 2 blocks from Disney Land... for a very enlightening conference on childrens mental health awareness and family empowerment! It was a true joy to see our son Seth come out of his shell the way he did and really run with the idea of being a youth leader and helping other children with issues.

We left California at 11 am  on Friday morning, and got home to Georgia around 1 am Saturday. I was EXHAUSTED, and in tons of pain, because the trip was so cramped, and a week of heels, walking, sleeping in a strange bed, etc... had taken it out of me... but I had a grandson to get to - so at 9 am on Saturday morning I filled up the gas tank and headed off to Kentucky. I didn't realize they were doing construction on I-75 in downtown Chattanooga on a SATURDAY - when there was an EVENT going on... but in all their infinite wisdom the TN DOT decided to shut I-75 coming out of downtown down to 1 lane from 8 am till 4 pm... it was MISERABLE!!! Our car has no A/C - not a big deal when traveling at 60 or 70 mph down the highway... but  when sitting in the sun, in 100 degree heat trying NOT to have heat stroke it is a very big deal. Jonathan passed out - really, honestly, passed out! Fortunately, when this happened we were less than 100 yards from the interstate opening back up - the minute the wind hit him he woke right up. We stopped at the first place we could - Waffle House - for food and water. The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful - but what should have taken 6 hours took over 9... not good on the old body. I was miserable for days!!! 
We had Jackie's baby shower on Sunday and it was wonderful! She got pretty much everything she needed for the baby, and then some!
I had planned on leaving Sunday night, but Josh's mom asked if I'd stay through Monday so that I could be there for the kids to get married! So on August 3, I got to watch my baby girl get married! It was definitely a very Joyful moment for me - I cried through the whole thing!!! We definitely rushed though - we had to be at the minister's house at 1:15 for the ceremony - then have Josh's sister at the airport by 2!! We were still at the courthouse getting the marriage license at 12:30! But through the grace of God, we made everything right on time, and it all went off without a hitch!! :) 
I decided I'd drop by and see my mom on the way home, so we left Kentucky, headed for Tennessee (Newport) around 4 am Tuesday. Got to my mom's around 8:30. I slept for about an hour or so - then mom and I just talked and drank coffee, looked at pictures... we ate dinner, and just visited - until 1 am! Then I left again at 4 am - had to get the car home to Shawn by 9... I made it right on time too :) 
I then proceeded to spend the next 3 weeks in bed! I hurt every place in my body I have ever hurt before all at one time - I had no pain medication to take for it - all I had was the remainder of  my Klonipin prescription. I maintained through that -and with meditation, deep breathing, connecting with my higher power, and a lot of relaxation - I managed to get back in the swing of things...

I've got a LOT of catching up to do around the house - but that's getting done in leaps and bounds, because my youngest daughter and the baby, along with the hubby are coming to stay with us now. I'll go up to Kentucky and get them next weekend. Adding 3 more to the house,will surely give the blog a lot of life - I'm gonna have to vent somewhere.

I've also reconnected with my dad's family - estranged for 20+ years now... I'll post that  in another entry! :) 

Today is Thursday, and I have only 15 more hours until I leave to go to Kentucky to see my daughter! I'm so excited!!! 
As for my health issuse things are going fairly well this week... so far - after spending 6 hours in the car tomorrow I can't be sure that will be the truth any longer... LOL 
I've done well, not taking the klonipin at night, and have been sleeping like a dream! After having my teeth pulled last week, and the stitches out yesterday I've taken considerably more pain medication than I'm used to, but I really needed it. I'm not taking pain medication for my mouth right now, and haven't needed it for anything else.

I'm too excited to think about anything but going to see Jacalyn, so I'm signing off for the night - updates soon!

While I am still daily going through hell with my body, this week has been incredible.  I came home from work for lunch on Tuesday. I did my normal lunch routine, made a sandwich and settled down to check personal e-mail and stuff. So while checking my e-mail I discovered that someone had sent a friend request, and quite to my surprise, it seemed this person is named the same as the daughter I've not seen in 11 years... Jackie Renee - well it's actually Jacalyn. Thinking it was some sort of odd, sick "April Fool" joke on me... I accepted the request, and started checking her photos. There it was in living color, the proof I needed... her grandmother's picture. I sat at my computer and sobbed for at least 15 minutes. I called my son in and showed him, and even he shed a tear. She called me that night, and we talked for 4 hours. I am amazed, overwhelmed, thankful, excited, and emotionally high right now. It is the most wonderful thing in the world to me... this sweet wonderful child that I was forced to leave behind 11 years ago came looking for me... and found me! I'm so blessed! She just turned 18, and is pregnant with her first child, which is due August 1. I'm actually ok with it - I really don't have a choice but to be... she is living with the baby's father, and his parents. They treat her like thier own, and are taking good care of her. Jonathan and I will go see her in 2 weeks, then I'll introduce her to the rest of the family shortly after. Don't want to overwhelm her all at once. :) 

I just cannot believe my fortune. We pretty much have talked daily since she found me, either through e-mail or MySpace. My life is now complete, my family totally restored to me. I am truly blessed!!

Today hasn't been too bad - I wound up in so much pain last night that I took half a Soma... The muscle that runs from the center of your back to your hip was locked up tight as a drum, swollen and horribly painful. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Its still sore, but at least the worst is gone. 
Work was work, boring and tedious... I'm dealing though - at least I have a job.

Really not much else to say, time to watch Hells Kitchen, then ER.

So, work is now a cluster f**k. I'm going to lose my mind!! On Monday, all of the customer service people that were in the office with us got moved out, about 15-20 in all. Then today, everyone from the accounting department came in and picked out where they want to sit and how they want thier desks. So, here we; my boss, coworker and I are... alone in this office that they are stripping down and tearing apart and banging around in... Anyway - they've assigned us "temporary" quarters until OUR office is ready for us to move into - which will likely be no time soon. So they're coming to move our computers in the morning - mine at 10, and my co-worker's at 11. Maybe I can get some work done when I have no distractions. And one good thing... I'm sitting one cube away from one of the most handsome men in the company (eye candy YAY!!!).
On a brighter work note... I had to present for our new Director of Training today. I got 'kudos' from my immediate boss, she said I did well, except for eye contact. All in all a good review, because I'm not even formally "trained" to be a Live Event Trainer. I would imagine that I'll have some classes on that before it's over... just in case I have to go on the road at some point this year.

As far as the pain goes, I'm having a very hard time tonight. Somehow I twisted my left knee/hip and OMG it freaking hurts!! The Cephadyn does not touch it, but I'm hoping that a Klonipin will help along with my Cymbalta. My right wrist hurts like crazy, and is making my fingers numb.
Tonight I've got a sore throat, and I'm praying that I'm not getting sick - I cannot afford to miss work right now - I've got time off to take this summer! 
For now I'm taking my meds and going to bed!

So, things are going well... Shawn got a job, which is a wonderful thing! He actually started work Monday, so will get paid at the end of the month.
We got the youngest's psych evaluation back, and thankfully it's now documented that he needs to have a one-on-one parapro for school. This is something we've been wanting for a long time, since he lost his parapro 2 years ago to budget cuts.
But I digress... the title of the post is work... and stuff.. so now that the stuff is covered :)

So for two weeks I've been working on Oregon state tax stuff for our University. Yesterday, my boss decided to change it so now we're working on software lessons. Cool for me, they go MUCH faster!  We have lost 4 temps that I personally worked with this week, which makes me sad, because they were decent reps, with the exception of one.

We're having a "Team Building" day Friday. Pretty much, we're going to the local college and having a Training Awards ceremony, catered breakfast, catered lunch... nice deal! Then we're going bowling... I may or may not bowl, the last time I went bowling was a few months ago with the youngest and his school... I threw a few balls and felt ok the next day, but my wrist's are really giving me a hard time lately, and I'm wondering if I'll be able to hold a ball. I can at least keep score and watch... make fun of my boss and just enjoy the day! LOL 

As far as pain goes, my hips, knees, and ankles have been giving me a fit for 3 days now, bad enough to keep me awake until I took a second Klonipin last night... I hate having to do that, and am going to have to talk to the doctor about it. Maybe he'll give me a prescription for 1 mg along with the others for the bad nights. Of course it doesn't help that I forgot to take my Cymbalta twice last week - two days in a row, which is a very bad thing. Things are coming to a head pain wise, I figure by Saturday my left arm will be immobile and on ice all weekend. I'm using mineral ice right now, which helps in the short-term; but the long term is my biggest concern. I guess I'm getting used to it, I wait until it's really, really bad before I take my pain meds... but then it takes days to get it under control. I need to start getting it under control sooner, but I hate medicating at work... plus I feel like a freaking zombie when I take the pain meds... Well, enough typing for the day - I'm going to take a pill or 3 and go to bed.

You know I really don't know how or why things happen... all I know is today I am truly thankful for my blessings. Shawn has been working with a group called KidsNet for about a year and a half now. This group provides 'linking services' to familys dealing with substance abuse or mental health issues. They go and visit Daniel at school every week to check on him, and they get us in touch with the people we need to know to get him the help he needs. So, with that much explained, about 3 weeks ago our KidsNet lady called and asked Shawn to attend a meeting... subsequently (that night!) she was fired for being "too outspoken" (my kind of lady, if you ask me)... Anyway, Shawn figured he wouldn't be going to the meeting until they called him the next day and told him that they couldn't go to the meeting without him. So he went... now mind you Shawn is 6ft. 7 and weighs about 300 lbs... rather intimidating, and a little 'rough around the edges'... in other words he doesn't really know when to shut his mouth if something needs to be said... Well this meeting just happened to be with about 7 family court and juvenile justice judges, as well as the head of Children and Family Services (DFCS, CPS, whatever)... The meeting was a start in deciding the funding from a grant called SAMHSA it's a federal grant, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. So... the head guy from Lookout Mountain Family Services was also there, and they elected Shawn as the family advocate for the Executive Board that decides where this funding goes... The Lookout Mountain people told him there was a chance for a "paying job" somewhere in all of this... So to make a very long story short - they called yesterday, and he starts work on MONDAY!!!!! We cannot be anything but humbled and thankful. We are very excited, yes, but still in awe. With the economy the way it is and things going the way they are, for him to be offered this opportunity, when he wasn't even looking for a job, to us is nothing short of a miracle.
It makes us thankful that we are now going to be able to prepare the house to accept the baby and Miranda in a couple of months, we can FINALLY finish the kitchen and even put a new roof on the house, so my clothes can stop getting wet in the closet every time it rains...

I dunno - it's pretty awesome being me right now - I have a health report that turned out great, a healthy, beautiful granddaughter, two incomes for the first time in 7 years, AND my youngest daughter turned 18 yesterday - which means I don't pay child support anymore! WOOHOO! I am a happy, happy, girl!!!

So... on Saturday morning I woke up as usual, achey and painful - just another day for me... however when I woke up Sunday I discovered I am now a GRANDMOTHER!!!
That's right - I have a beautiful baby granddaughter, born March 1, 2009 at 5:35 AM... She weighed in at  7lbs 7oz. and was 20 inches long.
Shawn managed to get our son down there just in time to cut the cord... Mother and baby are doing well and hopefully are coming home today.  Below is the proud father holding the little darling - whom he has decided looks like a tomato with hair....  And before anyone says anything - yes, he is very young... and yes, he does know what he's getting into; and if he doesn't he will soon enough. His g/f is 18 and will be moving here to be with us in May... We know that this is a life changing (some would say ruining - but nothing that beautiful can ruin anything) event... not mistake, for them. They will make the best of it, as we all do, and our parents before us did. They have the benefit of very supportive folks surrounding them. Anyway - that's about what I've got today... :)